If you go forever,I will fly forever.Just because you have stopped,I have stopped.This life is what,but in parts.One part you and one part rest.So in a way,you are the forever.You go or you stay doesn't even matter in those terms.

Beginning of prep for UPSC 2016.

I am taking a shot at UPSC 2016.

This is more like a a sport you play in the evening while you have been doing school,college or office rest of the day.When the sport hour approaches,you get excited and then drain yourself out in those short 2 hours. When you play a sport you don't necessarily want to become a sportsman later in life but still you play with all your heart.Since there is no condition & expectation you usually enjoy it a lot.
Nevertheless,you do have those small ambitions of making it to the team in coveted tournaments or becoming a captain or maybe coming out as the best sportsman.Some similar drive inside me about this exam.
I would like to focus now on the Prep part because down the line,I guess that's what you would ant to read.
I tried to refer strategies and approaches on how to prepare etc but I wasn't satisfied.I liked Ananya Das to an extent while going through few who cleared the exam quite smartly and not that rigorously.My approach towards UPSC is only going to be like that of a task you complete in an optimized manner.What I mean is,becoming a subject expert or becoming too learned on certain topics is not at all my aim.So,my preparation is not going to be a very passionate one but of a different sort.Iam analyzing certain figures and facts on this exam and am thus going to attempt it accordingly..I will share with you the analysis at the end of the line.
I bought a world focus magazine today,cancelled an ordered Indian Polity book by Laxmikanth.I took the 2015 prelims paper,GS.I have scored 62 in the paper.The cutoff this year will supposedly be  between 100 and 110.I am attaching the scoresheet.
I am going to write the exam with Political Science and International Affairs as my Optional.Its going to be self study only.

The self talk of Nov 15

Almost a million things are going on in my small mind.I am wondering about my startup and its future.I am optimistic myself but I am worried about it too.I don’t understand if the track is right,if the people are right,if I am right in how I am approaching my people,if the vision is clear,if our idea is strong,if success is a doubt,if people will accept it at all,whether we are hitting where there is nothing,or we are going good,going well and that’s how everyone would probably have gone before they became known.This is not a simple state of mind,its rather so complex that I haven’t experienced in my life,a feeling alike,ever before.It is distressing and it is irritating.Its not just my mind which reacts to the situation,its my actions,my thoughts and my temperament as well.While doing all this I often try to stay as composed a spossible,I try my best to listen to all sort of criticism and absorb it,I also try my best to learn a lot from critics,I like those who pinch me and I like them too who try to hurt me now.This is because of my weird state of existence right now.I am so hurt already that what could do more wrong.I have developed a comforting resistance to all this and I have somehow become very strong.It is almost like a feeling where nothing can be lost.

I almost wonder half of the time when will this all be over.It is damn tough and very demanding but then I acknowledge these times with a feeling of curiosity rather than hopelessness.I have one thing which makes me strong and inspires me during all this.It snot a person or a feeling.Its rather the toughness itself.I tend to believe that our actions have probably yet not become so intense that the results would be forced to show up.I am yet to hit that part on the graph where the points change their plane and the line changes its orientation and shape.It is also inspiring that what I am trying to do is not merely build a tent which could serve me to live well.My aim inspires me a lot.It is ultimately the effect that motivates and gets a hang over the desolute days and thoughts.

I asked a lot of people about their experiences,difficulties etc before I started.What they shared was so easy to go through and what I am going through is so difficult.This question is some sort of a void.This is good or this is bad can be not known probably untill the end is clear.But you often hear about an unknown identity trying to push you all the time,and trying to make sure ou don’t stop.Well,that’s the case here as well because I have always been made to feel somehow to do even more,a little bit extra,sometimes different,at times to back off,at times to increase the pace,all that is so arbitrary.It is like a billion things that lead to those manoeuvers in my current life and when I think about it I am almost blank.Its very deep and I don’t expect anyone to understand this.

Strangely,this is also a state I always want to be in.There is so much pressure that literally you could bend a metal and change the shape of a diamond if you would place it inside of my body.I often smile at myself when alone thinking about this experience life has been putting me through.The me that has become is one who never any longer fantasies about fame,failure,reputation,wealth.It is my pleasure to have understood that it is really important to just make sure whatever I do and however I do it,I must not ever lie to the soul within.I have actualized about myself that there could be so many attractions in the world that would probably excite that you which doesn’t even exist.It is rally important to impress yourself all the time.It is probably a thumb rule to be honest about your body to your soul and the senses.It is not necessary to mould yourself according to the sight of rest others.Others that could be important would not even notice such things.

Then there has been an amazing experience of understanding others as well while I have been undergoing this tremendous whack of a situation.Its apleasure always to have a chance to know others.My perspective has changed too.I wouldn’t mean to be harsh but I often see a lot of people different from me.I notice their every moment of existence in impressing that which doesn’t exist.Thats a way of life I guess and that’s perfectly okay,it makes me feel vivid too.Its exciting to have myself as different,atleast in my own point of view.I have got an amazing respect for those others who behave in a manner in which that unknown identity behaves.I feel shy to speak to them,I would often assume they know the future already it seems.They really are an important part of that billion of things.

This stage is okay to have.I wouldn’t say it’s a pleasure but I concur that it is a proof of something.I mean ofcourse,if I would simply,start,grow and end,that’s not impressive to my own self.So I appreciate the pressure and I want more of it.But I am pretty sure,at the end of the day,I will have the right layout,the right people,the right time and the right results.I do feel that my head might burst right now but then somehow,something holds it together,like always.Thank you god.